Ok… (as i take a big deep breath)
Hello everyone 🙂
As you can already tell by the title of the post, this blog post is going to be on my body confidence, and it just might get REAL EMO up on this post! LOL, so please, bare with me here.
I am typically someone who NEVER EVER talks about my body, or the issues that I have with my body, all the way from childhood, until now, so this is probably going to be one of the most raw, exposing, naked post about my personal story, that I will ever have to write.
So here goes….
Every woman reading this post, will probably identify with some parts of this post, so I’m going to be as truthful and honest as I can be.
PRIMARY AND HIGH SCHOOL
I grew up a skinny kid. Believe it or not! when I was still a baby, young one I was a pretty small kid. Some members of my family even thought that my mom never fed me as a kid (she told me this at a later stage in my life, lol). When puberty hit, and my body started doing all sorts of things, it also grew, lol, in size! There where MANY, MANY times in my primary and high school days where I felt awkward. I would always look at myself in the mirror and hate my body for betraying me like this. Growing breasts ( I didn’t like it). Growing hips and a derriere (booty) and I just DID NOT LIKE IT. I felt awkward, uncomfortable, and I felt like everyone could see it. I more especially grew to hate my high school PE (physical education) class, because in summer, that meant being in a swimming costume (LOL, do people actually still call them that? swimming costumes?). I was uncomfortable, called my thighs “thunder thighs” because they accounted for most of my “horrible” body weight.
I would look at my skinny friends and think, I want her body. I want her legs… I don’t want this thick, fat body- I want to be skinny. It was a DAILY struggle. (OMG, I need a moment to breathe here)….
Due to this hatred of my physique, I found com fort in HIDING my body. I would completely and unapologetically dress like a boy. Baggy Jeans, baggy soccer t shirts, bandanas, and deliberately looking like a boy, because it felt better to look at myself in the mirror and not see the hideous body looking back at me…. (phewwww, I need another moment here). I would wear sports bras. I wore them all the way into varsity. Yes, i did. My body wasn’t a place I wanted to be in. I didn’t want to live there. I couldn’t see its beauty. At all. It didn’t help much when you had relatives that said every time they saw you “You’ve become so BIG!”, “wa nona hakana le wena?!”. That sh*t was HARDDDDD to take for me… Throughout my childhood, I lived in hatred of my body. I would scratch at it, punch my thighs, and spent many days in the bath tub at home, crying… hating this body.
UNIVERSITY AND WORK LIFE…
This period of my life, Uni, changed everything. EVERYTHING.
All because of the people I had met, who made me realise, and look at my body differently. Even when starting out I was the awkward tomboy, until I met Dimpho, and she changed my life. I love you my friend. You did a wonderful thing for me. Dimpho one day said to me “my friend, enough with the sports bras, tomorrow we getting you a proper push up bra!” and BRUH!!!! AT THIS POINT THERE WAS A MOMENTOUS SHIFT IN MY BRAIN FUNCTION!! That first maroon push up bra made me see my upper body, exposed my small waist, and my beautiful bosom! LOL… I looked in the mirror, and I smiled. I legitimately smiled and maybe cried later that day, lol, I think i did. From this point, i introduced myself to clothes that enhanced my body! I ditched the sweaters, baggy jeans- replaced them with skinny jeans, v-neck tops to expose my neck area, sandals instead of sneakers… and eventually graduated to heels.
I looked at my body differently. I appreciated it. Along with all the self love quotes, messages, books I would read, I learned to CHANGE the way I think about my body, and learned to believe that I’m the only one who matters when it comes to my body.
ME. NOT HIM, or HER, or THEM. ME.
However, believe me, even will all these years of self teaching myself, to self LOVE myself, along with the help from friends like Dimpho and Marcia, it is STILL a struggle. There are still days where I hate what I’m wearing because it makes my bum look big, or hate my body because I can’t fit into that dress… I have those days too! And bikini’s!!!!! GIRL, I’m NOT there yet. Even though my friends say I look good in one, I’m still to reach the place where I believe it myself, and until then, I just WONT wear one.
Its a daily struggle. I hate it, and I love it. It has helped me grow to learn to love myself harder. For me, not for anyone else. I now know how to make certain outfits work for me. So If i don’t like how my bum looks in those jeans, I will wear a top that flatters my booty area… I will wear clothes to enhance, and make me FEEL good!
I still remain me though…. I have a passionate relationship with my sweater, jeans and sneakers… It is still my comfort place. I still hide away from the world in them, but I make them work for me, to look good, for me. But, I have also learned to be feminine too. To try dresses, to wear heels.
It’s an ongoing process. A hard one.
My message though is. If you read this and you identify, you really aren’t alone. So many MANY men and women struggle with their body- to be skinnier, to be bigger. We all go through it. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to love your body. It WILL happen….
Just a little patience… Time. Time is a teacher. Time will teach you how to recognise the beauty of you, no matter what size. When that happens, carry it with you. In your walk, in your stride, in your heart, in your smile.
You are BEAUTIFUL. “Be your own kind of beautiful” ❤
If you want to share your story with me, please do, I’d love to know.
Until the next one,
Live in Light and Love ❤